My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
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A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.