Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
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Ha
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Ok but actually
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them