million dollar idea: worm dehorser
You Might Also Like
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.