I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
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Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
this FaceApp is creepy af
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.