if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
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Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[eulogy]
line?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.