also my go-to takeaway order
You Might Also Like
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
#gardening
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
my dog when i have a friend over
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this