ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
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her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery