Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
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HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
why isn’t thunder called soundning