“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
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Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”