customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
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Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.