[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
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If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan