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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
The smoothest fall of all time
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Incredible customer service.