Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
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How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Waiting for the Charmin
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Uh oh…
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.