ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
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Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!