Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
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Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again