bad news gang
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Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep