Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
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Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Hero horse inspires millions
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Kids, do not try this at home!
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
“You drive, I’m tired.”