Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
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Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
A ghost story
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
we’re dead?
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.