I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
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as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
At least my masseuse has my back.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)