Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Monday?
No. Next question.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.