me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
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I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm