EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
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plant them where lol
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor