Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
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I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident