8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
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Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-