Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
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I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Coffee for people with no kids
How it started How it’s going
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.