Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
You Might Also Like
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.