Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
You Might Also Like
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
My sex drive has a dui
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.