[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
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What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
If a snake ate a cake
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Follow me for more life hacks.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*