WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
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Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Flock of bats
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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Pretty much! 😂👀