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Sheep
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.