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The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.