I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
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Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*