I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
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Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”