My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
You Might Also Like
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws