My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
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I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
definitely did not do anything wrong
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla