My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
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People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.