Whoa… oh I see lol
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Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Potatoes were such a good idea
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.