Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
You Might Also Like
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
🤣😂
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.