therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
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My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
never forget
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
My dog ate my work from home.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live