[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
The options really are this bad
saw this in a dream
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST