Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
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The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
so weird how every mom was born today
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem