Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
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WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.