my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
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Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.