HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
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[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*