Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
#MeanwhileInCanada
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.