My what?
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Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
we all know this pain all too well
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours