I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
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Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
*pokes sex life with a stick
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket