Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
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Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
thanksgiving in nutshell
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Just a reminder, folks:
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀