in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
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When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.