(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant